Oh, so I had an idea, I’ll rent one of the worst movies I can find.
Nobody ever says that on the way to get a movie right? It’ll be an EXPERIMENT!
So I did it. I went in the video store and started looking for something that I was sure would make me throw the remote and scream. Some people go looking for movies to entertain them, to provoke their thoughts or just make them feel good. Not me, not on this night, I wanted to see what happens when tons of money get poured into a film that just bombs….I wanted to see the ‘wrongness’ of it all. Yep on this night I was determined to be a gawker at the scene of a celluloid accident, grimacing and flinching but never looking away, not even for a second. I wanted all the horror of it all.
The Cave, released back in August of 2005 by Sony/Screen Gems actually fell 54% in ratings in it’s second week . Now I’m not sure how movies actually go about counting people but a 54% drop in attendance seems pretty bad to me. So I felt certain I had a sure fire loser on my hands. I was giddy with excitement and positive I needed to be medicated. For once, I set out to watch a movie understanding the trailer had already shown me all the great parts in it. I was PREPARED for disappointment, I was not going to be caught off gaurd or let down. I was ready to get my full 99 cents worth.
I admit I chose this movie based on it’s cover – it looked cool, all dark and ‘cavey’, very foreboding with a touch too much drama on the actors faces. It just screamed ”cheesy” to me - But that could have just been the artwork right? Uhhh no, actually not, but I’ll get to that in just a moment. So walking out of the store with a wide stupid grin I allowed myself to read the story synopsis on the back of the box – the story line was very simple: divers find what they think might be a totally new ecosystem complete with never before seen creatures, only creatures aren’t so nice. Okay, Cool. I like bizarre life forms and dialogue that consists of panicking underwater hand signals – so I’m good to go. I flipped it over and looked at the cover again and instantly felt a wave of euphoria at purposefully renting a dud. I couldn’t wait to get home and see failure in action.
First, let me say I had no idea who any of these actors were. I actually thought Cole Hauser was a very young Matthew McConaughey honing his acting skills in an odd story choice and I thought I might have seen Piper Perabo in a type of movie we can’t mention here, but it wasn’t her – totally different breasts. I just had to see them wet to make the distinction. So I had no previous viewing history with any of this cast. All the better right? I wouldn’t be left with odd feelings of remorse or embarrassment for an established acting icon. I could just howl with laughter and move on.
Except a truly weird thing happened at about 20 minutes into the movie: I found myself totally perplexed but liking the plot and that first kill the ‘creature’ made was astounding but I’m thinking that might have had something to do with the long and claustrophobic swim scene just prior to the kill….something had to happen, watching a man swim is only interesting for about 30 seconds. Oddly enough the movie set up a fair amount of tension from the very begining and then proceeded to build on it at it a pace it couldn’t possibly sustain. True, there were no ‘slow’ parts in this movie – there were scenes that I thought went on too long and weren’t really necessary but not even those scenes seemed to be able to kill this breakneck run to the credit roll and I was really surprised by this. What director in his right mind drives a sure fire disaster at a pace so blistering that the viewer could possibly be thrown from his theater seat and killed? don’t ponder that, no good will come of it.
And I’m not sure but I don’t think I totally got WHAT the creatures were supposed to be - it just didn’t hold together very well; previous lost cave divers still existing 30 years later as metamorphic flying swimming zombified bat like killers living three miles underground-Maybe a bit too much even though they looked really cool. I was actually enthralled by a heretical swimming/flying underwater maneuver they did – it made them pretty scary. Only in some parts their wing span looked a bit too big to fit in the cave. If you squinted it looked just fine, matter of fact squinting helped the whole movie tremendously. It kind of gave it an edgy other worldly appearance.
But alas, an hour into it and even the actors were starting to look bored & confused with their over the top dramatics and willy nilly maze running. Oh, and that fire and ice cave was so cool looking and sprung on me so quickly that by the time I realized what I had seen it was gone. That made me wonder if the cutting floor pieces of this movie had more ice cave scenes or fire cave scenes and with that thought I found myself pondering the probability of ice caves in the Amazon etc etc etc…… In other words, whatever viewing spell that had been cast over me suddenly wore off. I found myself laughing as a giant skeletonized bat like thing flapped its burning wings and screamed like a pterodactyl with a hang nail.
Then it was over. Well, some other stuff happened between the pterodactyl and the end but only maybe about 10 minutes worth and I didn’t actually see that part because the phone rang or I fell asleep or the kitchen caught on fire I’m not sure which it was but I did see the very last scene and it was a shock. No wait, that might have been a trailer for another movie because I don’t remember any pink dogs in this one . Oh well, so it wasn’t as great as I thought it would be – neither was ‘Alligator People’ or ‘Frogs‘ all those years ago. I guess I’m a repeat offender when it comes to picking bad movies. At least I did this one on purpose right?
But I’m not abandoning this experiment yet, as a matter of fact I’m thinking I can stay out of the strip clubs at least ONE night a week and really give it a go. Besides, I haven’t found any sites that let you review strippers.Hmmmmmmm, I better check into that right away.
Rent this: if you always wondered why your cave diving friends seemed to be speaking another language….it will answer that question.
Skip it: if you are easily angered by wasting a dollar and you have an inherent fear of freezing to death while burning up.
Buy it: Only if you have lost your mind or you want your children to be really confused about you after you are dead.
