At first glance, the polar regions of the Earth look benign and snowy, full of fluffy bears, well insulated aboriginals or penguins, depending on which end you happen to be stuck in.

But now, as we humans dump as much crap into the atmosphere as we can and the poles begin to melt, the secrets buried in the ice begin to unveil themselves, revealing, well, let’s let the Onion tell us.

According to oceanographers, the Arctic Circle has been devastated by the effects of global warming in recent years, threatening hundreds of men and women who use the frozen tundra as a place to conduct bizarre experiments in human-animal grafting, carry out massive government cover-ups, or simply as a hidden headquarters from which to battle the forces of evil and fight crime.

“Last week a giant ice sheet broke off and split my prized underground complex nearly in half,” said Dr. Raygun, a self-described psychotic mastermind best known for his diabolical thought-control experiments. “Now millions of dollars in state-of-the-art doomsday devices are gone—all because of the environmental carnage wrought by the human race.”

A terrible Sci-Fi crisis is upon us. Where will evil empires and mad geniuses plot the next annihilation of New York? Look to the intrepid reporters at The Onion for the full report.